(Get more info about suicide prevention from TWLOHA)
because there’s still enough peanut butter left to satisfy that specific, demanding tastebud that without warning some nights is like, “salty, peanut buttery flavor NOW!”
because i still haven’t found all the words that fit in the shapes between my lungs and my tongue
i kept living for the perfect hug —
because there’s still plenty of nights waiting to carry me into morning.
because this life is not a contest
because I haven’t yet done much with all this potential
i kept living because i haven’t yet climbed a real mountain or built a house or raised a child or learned to play an instrument.
because this beard isn’t going to grow itself.
because i once shaved my back and thought, man even if I never feel fully comfortable in this skin I’m going to have a real good time trying to figure it out.
because I know it might be really fucking difficult to see it or feel it most days but there is a reason why the tears well-up in your eyes when you are met with the truth — we are worth more than having to second guess our own emotions. because there’s a sip of whiskey, a bonfire, a homemade blanket, a bear hug waiting to keep me warm.
i kept living for all the birthdays and slow dances and good books and dessert tables.
because i still haven’t visited Marfa.
because I’ve done enough selfish things with this life.
because I need to experience more moments that knock the words out of my breath.
I kept living to be loved and unloved and broken and to know that I’ve been everywhere on the spectrum between happy and sad and I still want to feel it all again.
because perspective. because bacon. because silence and stillness and breath.
because I want to be there when you need my hand or my voice or my shoulder.
because I want to be alive when I come out to you and I want to mean that in every way possible.
because I have not yet fully loved myself.
i kept living for pinball machines and kaleidoscopes and trampolines and sky dives and hot dogs and dance floors and those moments right before the first kiss.
because I’ve thought about it — and nobody anywhere is ever going to understand completely how difficult this was or how hard you fought or how much effort it took or how good it felt or how much you thrived or how rewarding it was or how much it meant or how strong you were or how funny it was or how you really really gave it your everything—unless you’re here to tell them
and so i kept living